BRANDON FOSTER....WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??? FOR ME TO GO AWAY?: Baby, just what is it that you are waiting for? Ar...

BRANDON FOSTER....WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??? FOR ME TO GO AWAY?: Baby, just what is it that you are waiting for? Ar...: Baby, just what is it that you are waiting for? Are you just waiting for me to go away and let all this love I have for you die along wi...

BRANDON FOSTER:Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I had to do

Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I had to do.  Although I still love you, like I always have, it became very clear to me that day that you would never love me the way you once did. All at once I finally took off the rose-colored glasses I have been wearing for the last 4 years and saw the way you were manipulating me, twisting whatever I said about you and trying to make them apply to me, how insensative you talked when you left those voicemails, how you really couldn't care less about what I was saying and trying to make things better for us. You would not take responsibility for why I have been homeless for a year and without my daughter. You just didnt care. The fact that you could not feel the pain in my voice and know the hurt in my heart not being able to be the mother I want and need to be to my baby, told me you have no more love in your heart for me and what matters to me. You showed me that day that you only care about yourself and that you will always remain the same immature boy you love to be, Peter Pan. 
When I hung up on you and cried from the hurt and anger you made me feel by not taking responsibility for why my daughter and I don't have a home anymore and why then you were never by my side while this last year I have survived alone being homeless. WHY WEREN'T YOU THERE WITH ME OR FOR ME??? If you truly had loved me, you wouldn't have left me alone to die. That is the conclusion I have come to know and accept. 
You sucked everything that was good out of me and my life. There was never going to be enough you could take from me. I gave you so much of me that no one had ever received or seen. But what did you do with all of it?? You trashed it. You made it's value as if it was nothing. You treasured it like a dog chews up a tennis ball. You are a stupid boy. One who pursued this beauty until he got the chance to have her. Little did that little boy know that the beauty he longed for was not your everyday girl who was about physical or material things. He didnt know that the heart of a man was what  she looked at and valued. The biggest mistake that girl made was hanging on to someone she THOUGHT that little boy was. Well I'm not gonna be that stupid beauty anymore who always wanted to see the good in you Brandon. I am seeing you for what you are and I don't like you at all. I do not like the uncaring, selfish, and mean person you are. It mustve been very hard for you to put that nice, manipulative mask on for so long. How I ever let you play your games that long on me will always keep me guessing. Maybe cuz love is blind. 
Tonight someone asked me something after I had been going on and on about some of the fucked up things you had done to me. He asked me if there was ever a time that things were good between you and I. I told him yes. And instantly I flashed back to our good times. I told him about the flowers you would pick on our walks together. About the morning you had written in fresh red roses, I heart U, how we spent hours talking about everything, how we laughed and laughed about all kinds of stuff cuz our crazy selves understood each other. I told him about our time in Olivehurst when we were clean, had our kids there, the family barbeques every weekend along with the entire neighborhood, and how happy we were. It made me miss you again.
So here I am, writing this blog cuz it's the only way I can relieve this pain in my heart without calling you so I can set myself up for more hurt. I can't take the hurt from you anymore, so I will write. Whether you ever see this or not, it will help me get over this pain I carry of loving someone who didn't love me back.
Until the next blog......alwayz love U